Well, it is pink eye. Poor BoyChild, he was crying and very upset after I put in the antibiotic eye drops. He said it really stung his eyes and he was so upset. Of course, the jelly beans which I offered to him helped ease his pain. The jelly beans are left over from his Valentine's Day treats. As he gave up chocolate for Lent, I had to be more creative with his treats, he also received a small package of fruit gummies which were also used to help alleviate his pain. Yes, I bribe my child after he takes some medicine....I'm a Mary Poppins fan and firmly believe that a spoonful of sugar definitely helps the medicine go down.
Well I whined and felt sorry for myself, but guess what, yesterday was fine. The snow that fell didn't stay on the ground, so I didn't have to shovel..woohoo. BoyChild and I played cards, read books, did a puzzle together. And he actually played quietly with his "men" (Star Wars, superheroes and Pirates action figures) so I could actually read some blogs and have a few moments to myself.
P.S. M. is back home from his business trip, safe and sound. Thank you to all for your words of encouragement and support, I really appreciate it.
We only had to wait about 45 minutes (sometimes it's over an hour) at the pediatrician's office but BoyChild and I just talked and watched the cute babies. There was one wee baby who was just a week old, really adorable. BoyChild kept asking questions about when he was a baby and about his first words, which was "Da" ...I told him I wasn't still bitter that even though I carried and gave birth to him, had wicked episiotomy stitches and endured sore nipples...I was fine with the fact his first word was not "Mama"....all right, maybe I didn't tell him all those things, because, I'm really still not bitter.
And even though I spent yesterday scrubbing the bathrooms, I was glad I had the time to do them, they were really filthy and really needed to be cleaned.
And yes, I missed my husband, but guess what I actually slept through the night.
So before I start sounding like Pollyanna and being all positive and upbeat about my life, because that is so not me, I would like to state unequivocally that winter can go to hell. I am done with winter, it was freaking -22C or -7F today!!! And guess what, tomorrow is going to be even colder -27C or -16F. I may have mentioned that our family loves to ski, we're even going skiing in Colorado for March Break so it's not like we sit indoors moaning about the snow and cold, but enough already! It's to the point that I'm not even really looking forward to our vacation because it means I will be seeing even more snow. I want to sit on a beach. I don't want to be under 10 layers of clothes, seeing my breath freeze in the air with numb fingers and toes. So tonight I will be dreaming of sandy beaches and warm tropical breezes, I hope I never wake up!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The Glamorous Life
I'm at home right now. I should be at work but BoyChild woke up this morning with a puffy red eye...I think it may be pink eye, but I want to take him to the doctor to make sure. So I'm waiting until his pediatrician's office opens and see if they can squeeze him in.
BoyChild is really excited. Not about the possible pink eye, but because he gets to stay home from school... though I did warn him that if it wasn't pink eye or something contagious I would send him to school for the afternoon. So he's downstairs right now watching t.v. while I have some breakfast and try to ignore the mess that surrounds me. Sigh. I really should be cleaning right now.
I know it's going to be a long, long day. M. is away tonight on business, he left for the airport at 6:00 a.m. and won't be back until tomorrow night. I know I probably won't sleep well tonight without M. Thankfully he doesn't go away very often, but when he does we all really miss him and eagerly await his arrival home. I don't know how some people do it, I know some friends have partners who have to travel a lot for business and they are on their own all the time. I guess you get used to that after a while, I just know I would find it very difficult. The kids find it especially tough when M. is away, they miss the routine of knowing he will read to them or play with them after dinner.
So that's going to be my day, trying to keep BoyChild entertained, pedicatrician's office, shoveling snow, cleaning my house....boy, don't you wish you had my glamorous life?
BoyChild is really excited. Not about the possible pink eye, but because he gets to stay home from school... though I did warn him that if it wasn't pink eye or something contagious I would send him to school for the afternoon. So he's downstairs right now watching t.v. while I have some breakfast and try to ignore the mess that surrounds me. Sigh. I really should be cleaning right now.
I know it's going to be a long, long day. M. is away tonight on business, he left for the airport at 6:00 a.m. and won't be back until tomorrow night. I know I probably won't sleep well tonight without M. Thankfully he doesn't go away very often, but when he does we all really miss him and eagerly await his arrival home. I don't know how some people do it, I know some friends have partners who have to travel a lot for business and they are on their own all the time. I guess you get used to that after a while, I just know I would find it very difficult. The kids find it especially tough when M. is away, they miss the routine of knowing he will read to them or play with them after dinner.
So that's going to be my day, trying to keep BoyChild entertained, pedicatrician's office, shoveling snow, cleaning my house....boy, don't you wish you had my glamorous life?
Friday, February 22, 2008
Ooooh, pick me!
Thank you to Slouching Mom who has tagged me for a Random Facts meme. Well, let’s see, I’ve done this once before hey, I’m up for the challenge after all Slouching Mom must hold the all time record at 41 random facts. So I should be able to come up with eight more, right? Well, here goes.
1. I was a very picky eater and stubborn to boot. However, the rule was that we had to finish the food on our plate. My parents would beg, plead, cajole, yell and threaten me but there were some foods that I would not or could not eat so I would have to sit at the dinner table long after everyone had left. More often than not my parents would relent and say “all right, just eat four more bites and then you can go” I would eat those four bites and then take off. BoyChild is a picky eater, it’s karma coming back to bite me on the butt. But now I love all types of food, I will eat pretty much anything, so there may be hope for my son after all.
2. I loved participating in class spelling bees, I really loved reading, so I had a pretty wide vocabulary. I really liked trying to be the last one standing. Considering I was usually the last one picked for games because I am a complete klutz, this was one time when I wanted to be last.
3. I love liver. My mother would put it in a flour batter and fry it up and I just loved it. But I haven’t had it since I was a child….have you ever seen raw liver in it’s store package…yucky…I can’t bear the thought of having to actually touch it.
4. I don’t like getting flowers from my husband…. After a few days they just wilt and then all I’m left with is stinky water... I’m not much of a romantic. I would much rather he got me a gift certificate to a spa or even better a few hours from a cleaning service…ahhh…having a cleaning lady…now that gets me really hot!
5. My feet are incredibly ticklish. Having a pedicure is pure torture for me. I have to grip the chair, grit my teeth and try not to howl with laughter and look like a total fool when the esthetician starts really scrubbing and scraping the bottom of my feet. My children absolutely love having tickle fights with me, I’m such an easy target.
6. I always need to have Kleenex nearby when I’m watching certain tv shows, I’m a bawler. Ones that get me teary on a regular basis….Cold Case, Medium, any Law and Order. I sob buckets of tears when I watch some movies Ghost, Beaches, The Way We Were, Cinema Paradiso and Truly, Madly, Deeply, they get me sobbing every time.
7. I caught the chicken pox when I was 22 years old. I was in Korea attending Yonsei University’s summer language program and I caught it from my seven year old cousin. Not only was the weather incredibly hot and humid I had to endure incredibly itchy skin, it was awful.
8.In true Korean fashion, my Halmoni(grandmother) shaved my head when I was a baby, it was believed that if you did that the hair that grew in would be much thicker and abundant. I don’t think it worked, I don’t have tons of hair and it really isn’t that thick. My Mom convinced my sister to shave her own son’s hair but my Mom was so upset when she saw her grandson’s bald head she regretted it almost immediately. So she never said a word when my son was born.
1. I was a very picky eater and stubborn to boot. However, the rule was that we had to finish the food on our plate. My parents would beg, plead, cajole, yell and threaten me but there were some foods that I would not or could not eat so I would have to sit at the dinner table long after everyone had left. More often than not my parents would relent and say “all right, just eat four more bites and then you can go” I would eat those four bites and then take off. BoyChild is a picky eater, it’s karma coming back to bite me on the butt. But now I love all types of food, I will eat pretty much anything, so there may be hope for my son after all.
2. I loved participating in class spelling bees, I really loved reading, so I had a pretty wide vocabulary. I really liked trying to be the last one standing. Considering I was usually the last one picked for games because I am a complete klutz, this was one time when I wanted to be last.
3. I love liver. My mother would put it in a flour batter and fry it up and I just loved it. But I haven’t had it since I was a child….have you ever seen raw liver in it’s store package…yucky…I can’t bear the thought of having to actually touch it.
4. I don’t like getting flowers from my husband…. After a few days they just wilt and then all I’m left with is stinky water... I’m not much of a romantic. I would much rather he got me a gift certificate to a spa or even better a few hours from a cleaning service…ahhh…having a cleaning lady…now that gets me really hot!
5. My feet are incredibly ticklish. Having a pedicure is pure torture for me. I have to grip the chair, grit my teeth and try not to howl with laughter and look like a total fool when the esthetician starts really scrubbing and scraping the bottom of my feet. My children absolutely love having tickle fights with me, I’m such an easy target.
6. I always need to have Kleenex nearby when I’m watching certain tv shows, I’m a bawler. Ones that get me teary on a regular basis….Cold Case, Medium, any Law and Order. I sob buckets of tears when I watch some movies Ghost, Beaches, The Way We Were, Cinema Paradiso and Truly, Madly, Deeply, they get me sobbing every time.
7. I caught the chicken pox when I was 22 years old. I was in Korea attending Yonsei University’s summer language program and I caught it from my seven year old cousin. Not only was the weather incredibly hot and humid I had to endure incredibly itchy skin, it was awful.
8.In true Korean fashion, my Halmoni(grandmother) shaved my head when I was a baby, it was believed that if you did that the hair that grew in would be much thicker and abundant. I don’t think it worked, I don’t have tons of hair and it really isn’t that thick. My Mom convinced my sister to shave her own son’s hair but my Mom was so upset when she saw her grandson’s bald head she regretted it almost immediately. So she never said a word when my son was born.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Family Day
Ontario had its first holiday yesterday, it's been named "Family Day". It made me think about what families are, the word holds a different meaning for everyone. Family to me means you stick it out, you stand up for one another especially when the times are tough. My parents made sure my sister and I were taught this, though they did it through emotional blackmail, anger and threats. My Mom has mental health issues, she was diagnosed with paranoia and it's been a constant struggle ever since I can remember to make sure she takes her medication.
My childhood was filled with fear, uncertainty, guilt, embarrassment and confusion. Holidays were usually ruined by my parents' arguments and physical violence from both sides. From the time I was a very young girl, I remember being at school at my desk and I would whisper silently to myself and desperately offer up prayers and bargain with God, I would be a "good girl" and never do anything wrong but I wanted my parents to not fight, most times these arguments would keep my sister and I awake all night. Their anger and violence terrified me. Times were hard, my parents were new immigrants trying to make a better life for all of us. They had no family, no safety net, I can't even imagine how stressful and frightening it must have for them. It was sink or swim.
I know they did the best they could with what little resources they had. Of course this in no ways excuses their behaviour. Most new immigrants had lives full of uncertainty and poverty. My parents were luckier than most, they scrimped and saved and bought a house and then eventually bought their "dream house". My parents made sure we had clothes, they never bought anything for themselves. But life was not happy, we were constantly told how expensive things were and that we should be grateful for the little we had. I still feel guilty when I buy things for myself. My husband and I argue, but they are never screaming matches that last well into the night, with the air toxic with anger and violence. I am so very grateful that my children don't have to witness their mother being taken away in a strait jacket, while the whole neighbourhood watched. They don't have to speak to policemen in the middle of the night and tell them how scared they are when their parents fight.
We spent Family Day playing with the children. My best friend's little girl slept over on Sunday and my best friend and her husband came over for dinner last night. I looked around the table last night and felt so incredibly grateful that my children have a vastly different family experience. I had so much fun yesterday, I actually learned how to use a hula hoop, the complete klutz that I am, I've never been able to hula hoop. A few weeks ago during one of my torture classes/kettlebells exercise class they were using a hula hoop and I could not do it. So I was determined to learn how. It was so wonderful to have my 10 year old daughter teach me, she was so encouraging and kept telling me "Mom, you can do it, it's really hard but keep on trying". She can hula hoop for hours without breaking a sweat. Her younger brother and I took turns trying to hula hoop and I actually got the hang of it...woohoo! I love those moments when we're together as a family just hanging out and laughing.
The past two years has been very hard with the death of our nephew, Joshua. Helping the children deal with their grief is an ongoing process and it hasn't been easy.
I still mourn for the little girl that I was, who didn't have many happy moments or positive childhood memories. I think that's why I really treasure the moments when we're just being a family doing the simple things, playing a board game, reading together or just watching t.v. I know I can't change my childhood but I can change how I feel about being a family. I know this, that families have to try and stick together through the tough times, but they can do it while laughing, and helping each other with hugs, kisses and love.
My childhood was filled with fear, uncertainty, guilt, embarrassment and confusion. Holidays were usually ruined by my parents' arguments and physical violence from both sides. From the time I was a very young girl, I remember being at school at my desk and I would whisper silently to myself and desperately offer up prayers and bargain with God, I would be a "good girl" and never do anything wrong but I wanted my parents to not fight, most times these arguments would keep my sister and I awake all night. Their anger and violence terrified me. Times were hard, my parents were new immigrants trying to make a better life for all of us. They had no family, no safety net, I can't even imagine how stressful and frightening it must have for them. It was sink or swim.
I know they did the best they could with what little resources they had. Of course this in no ways excuses their behaviour. Most new immigrants had lives full of uncertainty and poverty. My parents were luckier than most, they scrimped and saved and bought a house and then eventually bought their "dream house". My parents made sure we had clothes, they never bought anything for themselves. But life was not happy, we were constantly told how expensive things were and that we should be grateful for the little we had. I still feel guilty when I buy things for myself. My husband and I argue, but they are never screaming matches that last well into the night, with the air toxic with anger and violence. I am so very grateful that my children don't have to witness their mother being taken away in a strait jacket, while the whole neighbourhood watched. They don't have to speak to policemen in the middle of the night and tell them how scared they are when their parents fight.
We spent Family Day playing with the children. My best friend's little girl slept over on Sunday and my best friend and her husband came over for dinner last night. I looked around the table last night and felt so incredibly grateful that my children have a vastly different family experience. I had so much fun yesterday, I actually learned how to use a hula hoop, the complete klutz that I am, I've never been able to hula hoop. A few weeks ago during one of my torture classes/kettlebells exercise class they were using a hula hoop and I could not do it. So I was determined to learn how. It was so wonderful to have my 10 year old daughter teach me, she was so encouraging and kept telling me "Mom, you can do it, it's really hard but keep on trying". She can hula hoop for hours without breaking a sweat. Her younger brother and I took turns trying to hula hoop and I actually got the hang of it...woohoo! I love those moments when we're together as a family just hanging out and laughing.
The past two years has been very hard with the death of our nephew, Joshua. Helping the children deal with their grief is an ongoing process and it hasn't been easy.
I still mourn for the little girl that I was, who didn't have many happy moments or positive childhood memories. I think that's why I really treasure the moments when we're just being a family doing the simple things, playing a board game, reading together or just watching t.v. I know I can't change my childhood but I can change how I feel about being a family. I know this, that families have to try and stick together through the tough times, but they can do it while laughing, and helping each other with hugs, kisses and love.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Books and Babies
M's colleague and his wife gave birth a little while ago to their first child, a son. His birth, well, to be more accurate his conception and life is a miracle. The Mom had several miscarriages and grueling rounds of fertility treatments, so this baby is so wanted, loved and cherished. Mazel tov!
This is BoyChild's pick. It is hilarious, a truly bad, bad kitty! Even though he's read this hundreds of times he still laughs at Kitt's antics.
M's favourite. He wants to raise a daughter who is strong, independent and won't need a Prince to make her dreams come true, she can do that on her own, thank you very much!
I love this book. The illustrations are so simple and sweet, BoyChild loves them too, and he has even begun reading it to me!
What are some of your favourite children's books, I'd love to add some new ones to our library.
As baby shower presents we have recently begun the tradition of giving books as gifts. To make it a little more special M. and I and the children choose our favourite books and we write a little message to the baby inside.
Here's our list:
This is BoyChild's pick. It is hilarious, a truly bad, bad kitty! Even though he's read this hundreds of times he still laughs at Kitt's antics.
GirlChild's favourite. This pig truly has attitude and spunk.
M's favourite. He wants to raise a daughter who is strong, independent and won't need a Prince to make her dreams come true, she can do that on her own, thank you very much!
I love this book. The illustrations are so simple and sweet, BoyChild loves them too, and he has even begun reading it to me!
What are some of your favourite children's books, I'd love to add some new ones to our library.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Church and chips
Well today's Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent and as a practising Catholic I'm expected to attend mass and get anointed with ashes on my forehead which signifies that we should repent our sins during this 40 day time period. As I also work at a Catholic university, and the church is only steps from my office, I really have no excuse not to attend mass. So that's where I'll be at noon today. I was baptized and raised Catholic but my parents rarely attended mass. Actually they are a lot more devout now than when I was a kid. My mother attends mass almost every Sunday and is involved with a lot of church groups; Bible Study, visiting in nursing homes, etc. However, I definitely don't look to her for spiritual guidance or advice. My mother is rather hypocritical and in the same breath that she speaks of being a "good" Catholic and being tolerant of others she can be saying mean and critical comments about her priest or fellow parishioners. If we speak on a Sunday she always asks if I've attended mass, sometimes I have and sometimes I haven't. It drives her crazy if I haven't attended and I inevitably get a lecture on the topic. I just bite my lip, hold the phone away from my ear while she rants and lectures me. When she's finished ranting I just say "Yeh, Umma, I'll try to go next week"
I do feel guilty if I don't attend mass. Especially since I'm raising children who attend a Catholic school I feel I should be attending mass more regularly. My excuses for not attending usually range from "it looks kind of cold outside", "didn't we go last week?", "Oh, look, it's 10:30 am and the kids aren't even dressed yet....I guess we won't make it today"(mass is at 11:00 a.m.) Yeah, M. and I aren't terribly motivated or committed. Though to give M. credit he will be the one who will get everyone into action and make the decision that we will attend, I'm usually the apathetic blob who can be swayed either way depending on the wind.
It doesn't help that our parish priest is of the fire and brimstone variety. He will yell, rant and rave...I get that enough from my mother I really don't need it from my priest. He also scares the children. BoyChild always asks me
"why is he yelling, he's hurting my ears"
"how come he talks so loudly and you say I have to whisper?"
"why is he so angry"
I usually answer with "well, he's just talking really loud, he wants to make sure everyone hears him." (as I'm silently muttering to myself 'even the people outside the church who are deaf')
So for Lent we try to give up some type of treat or vice that we have. M and I give up chips. I know this may not sound like much. However, it is torture. That is truly our dirty little secret, we LOVE chips. We don't have them every night, but there are usually chips in the cupboard at any given time....so you thought you knew me. "My name is Angela and I'm a chip addict" This 40 days of deprivation is not pretty, we go into pretty significant withdrawal mode. But guess what? My lovely and wonderful father-in-law, bless him, he began the tradition when his boys were young, if you gave something up for Lent and you went to mass on Sunday you can have that forbidden treat that day. Sweet! We spent last night gorging and stuffing our faces. So now, it's only three days until we can have chips....now all I have to do is figure out how to attend church by osmosis or by using my telekinetic abilities. But the thought of chips as my reward, three guesses where I'll be Sunday morning. Gotta go, I'm going to find my earplugs.(I know... I'm heading straight to hell)
I do feel guilty if I don't attend mass. Especially since I'm raising children who attend a Catholic school I feel I should be attending mass more regularly. My excuses for not attending usually range from "it looks kind of cold outside", "didn't we go last week?", "Oh, look, it's 10:30 am and the kids aren't even dressed yet....I guess we won't make it today"(mass is at 11:00 a.m.) Yeah, M. and I aren't terribly motivated or committed. Though to give M. credit he will be the one who will get everyone into action and make the decision that we will attend, I'm usually the apathetic blob who can be swayed either way depending on the wind.
It doesn't help that our parish priest is of the fire and brimstone variety. He will yell, rant and rave...I get that enough from my mother I really don't need it from my priest. He also scares the children. BoyChild always asks me
"why is he yelling, he's hurting my ears"
"how come he talks so loudly and you say I have to whisper?"
"why is he so angry"
I usually answer with "well, he's just talking really loud, he wants to make sure everyone hears him." (as I'm silently muttering to myself 'even the people outside the church who are deaf')
So for Lent we try to give up some type of treat or vice that we have. M and I give up chips. I know this may not sound like much. However, it is torture. That is truly our dirty little secret, we LOVE chips. We don't have them every night, but there are usually chips in the cupboard at any given time....so you thought you knew me. "My name is Angela and I'm a chip addict" This 40 days of deprivation is not pretty, we go into pretty significant withdrawal mode. But guess what? My lovely and wonderful father-in-law, bless him, he began the tradition when his boys were young, if you gave something up for Lent and you went to mass on Sunday you can have that forbidden treat that day. Sweet! We spent last night gorging and stuffing our faces. So now, it's only three days until we can have chips....now all I have to do is figure out how to attend church by osmosis or by using my telekinetic abilities. But the thought of chips as my reward, three guesses where I'll be Sunday morning. Gotta go, I'm going to find my earplugs.(I know... I'm heading straight to hell)
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Outsiders
I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I'm trying to figure it all out. I got the idea for this post from Like a Shark I love her writing, she is so talented and she really pulls you into her world, please go and visit, you definitely won't be disappointed.
One of the reasons is that I'm feeling upset about cliques and groups that inevitably form when you have a large number of people. It brings back bad memories of high school and the crap that goes on there with the labels, "jocks", "cool kids", "nerds", "stoners". I guess if I was honest I would be more in the group of "nerds", but I also did well in school and was voted VP of our Student Council, so I straddled different groups during the same time. Ahh, the intricacies of social stature and norms in a high school setting, talk about a minefield of raging hormones, emotions, betrayals, tears, laughter, humiliation and angst.
I had hoped I had left it all behind once I graduated. University was an amazing experience, I found the friends who are still treasured friends who I love, I only wish they didn't live hundreds and thousands of miles away.
Little did I know, the angst and stress would return with a vengeance once my children began school. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids' school, they attend a Catholic school and the atmosphere is very nuturing and welcoming. However, there is that small group of parents(The Group), you know the ones, they are on all the Committees, they congregate together in the playground before and after school arranging playdates and activities. They are good for the school because they get things done, it gets done their way, but hell, if it really mattered to me, I would also be there putting in my two cents. And I do. I am on a Eco Committee that is trying to get our asphalt covered schoolyard to be a lot greener, with lots more trees, shrubs and benches for the kids.
What really pisses me off is that these parents in The Group claim to be inclusive and welcoming. When activities are planned the invited parties are from within their small group. Don't get me started on birthday parties and the "it" list of invitees. My daughter is at various times on and off the list. Remember the post Christmas party I held. Well, two of the Moms from The Group actually attended. Subsequently my daughter received a very late invitation to the birthday party of one of the Moms...yeah... thanks for the crumbs. My daughter did attend the party and she had a great time, the point is that I know she wouldn't have received an invitation if I hadn't invited her Mom to my party...God it's so f'ing juvenile. I hate feeling like there's a big scorecard, should I wonder if something is going on, will I be invited, do I make the cut?
What complicates matters is that my husband is one of the cool parents. He coaches soccer with one of the Moms from The Group. He sees the antics and the stuff that goes on. He is the one who convinced me I should invite some of the parents from The Group to our party his reasoning is that even though they are exclusionary, I have to be the bigger person and for the sake of our children show them a good example, I hate it when he acts all reasonable and mature. One of the main reasons I wanted to have the party was so that I could get better acquainted with the parents of some of my children's good friends. In the rush of drop off and afterschool pick ups, it's hard to really chat with other parents. It was a good party we all got to know each other better and I would like to have more parties. Some people I had invited couldn't attend that party so I'm hoping that I can have even more new people at the next party.
I try to set a good example. Up until recently my children's birthday parties included all the kids from their class, I didn't want to exclude anyone. However, only recently I had to stop this, it was getting too damn expensive! GirlChild had a sleepover party for her 10th birthday and she invited five close friends, they had a wonderful time. When she had this party, I was very clear to her. She is a sensitive child so she was very receptive to my instructions, she was to invite her friends but not do it publicly and she was not to discuss the party with friends who weren't invited. I was very gratified to know that she had already thought about this, she is a very sweet girl and quite empathetic. GirlChild told me at the time"Oh that's okay Mommy, I don't talk about my party when other girls are around, their feelings might get hurt". I'm still not sure of BoyChild's party venue, which will determine how many kids he will invite.
I know I should stop stressing and feeling hurt when I get excluded from activities. But it does hurt. It really hurts when my children are excluded, that's when it cuts me like a knife. You can do what you want to me but if my child feels hurt, my Mama Bear instinct rears its head and I feel like tearing off someone's head. The hypocrisy of their actions when their words of being so inclusive are so false make me want to scream. The sad thing is that I really think they have deluded themselves into thinking they are inclusive and welcoming, even though when they do plan things the group is very small and exclusive. The added hypocrisy of their being religious and Catholic also come into play,I won't even get into this topic....it's too complicated and boring.
It feels good to rant about this, very therapeutic. I am trying to navigate my way through this minefield and I'm going to make mistakes along the way. I guess all I can do is make sure I do what I feel is best for me and my family and not compromise my ethics and values along the way. So to all the members of The Group whoever and wherever you are in the world, I'm not going to take it. I will do my own thing, if you want me around, I'll see if it fits into my schedule. I will not actively exclude you from anything but I won't actively seek any of you out for activities, instead I will approach the other parents who have responded to me in kind and devote my energies to those who appreciate my invitations and company. I will stop letting any snubs hurt me, it is their problem, I will remember that I do have friends who care about me.
One of the reasons is that I'm feeling upset about cliques and groups that inevitably form when you have a large number of people. It brings back bad memories of high school and the crap that goes on there with the labels, "jocks", "cool kids", "nerds", "stoners". I guess if I was honest I would be more in the group of "nerds", but I also did well in school and was voted VP of our Student Council, so I straddled different groups during the same time. Ahh, the intricacies of social stature and norms in a high school setting, talk about a minefield of raging hormones, emotions, betrayals, tears, laughter, humiliation and angst.
I had hoped I had left it all behind once I graduated. University was an amazing experience, I found the friends who are still treasured friends who I love, I only wish they didn't live hundreds and thousands of miles away.
Little did I know, the angst and stress would return with a vengeance once my children began school. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids' school, they attend a Catholic school and the atmosphere is very nuturing and welcoming. However, there is that small group of parents(The Group), you know the ones, they are on all the Committees, they congregate together in the playground before and after school arranging playdates and activities. They are good for the school because they get things done, it gets done their way, but hell, if it really mattered to me, I would also be there putting in my two cents. And I do. I am on a Eco Committee that is trying to get our asphalt covered schoolyard to be a lot greener, with lots more trees, shrubs and benches for the kids.
What really pisses me off is that these parents in The Group claim to be inclusive and welcoming. When activities are planned the invited parties are from within their small group. Don't get me started on birthday parties and the "it" list of invitees. My daughter is at various times on and off the list. Remember the post Christmas party I held. Well, two of the Moms from The Group actually attended. Subsequently my daughter received a very late invitation to the birthday party of one of the Moms...yeah... thanks for the crumbs. My daughter did attend the party and she had a great time, the point is that I know she wouldn't have received an invitation if I hadn't invited her Mom to my party...God it's so f'ing juvenile. I hate feeling like there's a big scorecard, should I wonder if something is going on, will I be invited, do I make the cut?
What complicates matters is that my husband is one of the cool parents. He coaches soccer with one of the Moms from The Group. He sees the antics and the stuff that goes on. He is the one who convinced me I should invite some of the parents from The Group to our party his reasoning is that even though they are exclusionary, I have to be the bigger person and for the sake of our children show them a good example, I hate it when he acts all reasonable and mature. One of the main reasons I wanted to have the party was so that I could get better acquainted with the parents of some of my children's good friends. In the rush of drop off and afterschool pick ups, it's hard to really chat with other parents. It was a good party we all got to know each other better and I would like to have more parties. Some people I had invited couldn't attend that party so I'm hoping that I can have even more new people at the next party.
I try to set a good example. Up until recently my children's birthday parties included all the kids from their class, I didn't want to exclude anyone. However, only recently I had to stop this, it was getting too damn expensive! GirlChild had a sleepover party for her 10th birthday and she invited five close friends, they had a wonderful time. When she had this party, I was very clear to her. She is a sensitive child so she was very receptive to my instructions, she was to invite her friends but not do it publicly and she was not to discuss the party with friends who weren't invited. I was very gratified to know that she had already thought about this, she is a very sweet girl and quite empathetic. GirlChild told me at the time"Oh that's okay Mommy, I don't talk about my party when other girls are around, their feelings might get hurt". I'm still not sure of BoyChild's party venue, which will determine how many kids he will invite.
I know I should stop stressing and feeling hurt when I get excluded from activities. But it does hurt. It really hurts when my children are excluded, that's when it cuts me like a knife. You can do what you want to me but if my child feels hurt, my Mama Bear instinct rears its head and I feel like tearing off someone's head. The hypocrisy of their actions when their words of being so inclusive are so false make me want to scream. The sad thing is that I really think they have deluded themselves into thinking they are inclusive and welcoming, even though when they do plan things the group is very small and exclusive. The added hypocrisy of their being religious and Catholic also come into play,I won't even get into this topic....it's too complicated and boring.
It feels good to rant about this, very therapeutic. I am trying to navigate my way through this minefield and I'm going to make mistakes along the way. I guess all I can do is make sure I do what I feel is best for me and my family and not compromise my ethics and values along the way. So to all the members of The Group whoever and wherever you are in the world, I'm not going to take it. I will do my own thing, if you want me around, I'll see if it fits into my schedule. I will not actively exclude you from anything but I won't actively seek any of you out for activities, instead I will approach the other parents who have responded to me in kind and devote my energies to those who appreciate my invitations and company. I will stop letting any snubs hurt me, it is their problem, I will remember that I do have friends who care about me.
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