Remembering Josh

This is a very difficult post to write. I feel a little uncomfortable because it's not as if I'm writing about my own son, it's about my husband's 14 year old nephew, Joshua. I've written about him in an earlier post. Through a link provided by Metrodad, I visited Cry It Out and read Mike Adamick's tribute to his older brother, Jeff. As I read his post, tears began streaming down my face and the loss our family has endured and the overwhelming feelings of grief that has been a part of our lives for the past year and a half was so painful that I could barely breathe.

Mike is a wonderful writer, his words flow so easily and evoke such powerful emotions, he is a truly gifted communicator. I really wish that I had his talent so I could pay equal tribute to Josh.

Even though I am Josh's aunt by marriage, my husband M. is his uncle, I knew about his Mom's pregnancy before M. did. You see, my sister and Josh's Mom were best friends, university room-mates. Josh was the first newborn I ever remember holding. Josh was the first for M.'s family in so many ways, the first son for the eldest son, the first grandchild, the first grandson, the first nephew,he was so very loved and adored from the moment he was born. M. and I would babysit him frequently during his first year, I had never been around young babies before so it was a first for me, luckily he was very easy to care for, always smiling and laughing.

Then, around the time of our wedding, Josh's parents separated. I'll never forget the sight of M.'s brother on the dance floor sobbing in his mother's arms. It was not an easy time for anyone, it was heartbreaking to see two wonderful people go through so much pain and anger. At the centre of it all, an innocent 15 month old little boy. Amidst the chaos, anger and pain, we all did what we could for Josh, M's parents were amazing throughout the difficult times, they were supportive and loving and did everything they could to help Josh's parents and of course, Josh. M. and I did what we could we babysat, we did daycare pick-ups and had Josh for overnight stays. This beautiful little boy held a very special place in our hearts, at such a young age his life was already not easy, we all made silent vows to ourselves that we would look out for him.

He grew into an amazing young man. The last time I spoke to him was on my birthday, his family had called to wish me a "Happy Birthday" his last words to me were "I love you, Aunty Angela". He died nine days later.

Josh wrote the following essay five months before he died.

"Thanks and Gratitude"

Today is Sunday October 10th and right now I am writing this paper on a fancy computer (with Windows XP), in a nice warm house, with the smells and sounds of the coming Thanksgiving feast wafting up from downstairs. I am not in some mud hovel in a war torn country with an empty belly and nothing to hope or look forward to in my future, except death. I believe that because I am so lucky and so happy right now I really ought to sincerely thank God for the wonderful chances given to me, and the luxuries I enjoy.

Not only can I be thankful for the food and shelter I have but also the wonderful, loving family I possess. There are many families where internal conflict and family feuds tear family members apart, but lucky for me such aimless hate does not exist in my family. My family shares a kind of bond of love with each other, and thankfully I am included in it. On days like Thanksgiving when I see my family together being happy I look to God and thank him for such a wonderful thing my family is.

Sometimes when I look at myself in the morning I look scornfully at what I see. Sometimes I'm too fat or dirty, or too stupid and I look up and ask why couldn't I have a perfect buff body and be the smartest guy in the world. Then I realize that what I see in the mirror is wonderful in its uniqueness and its sole purpose of furthering my goals. That that body is something that was given to me as a gift that only I can have. I look at the mirror and I thank God yet agin for the person he made me and the person I am.

I would like to thank God also for the hope he gives me and the faith that goes with it. I thank him for allowing me to look at the day and say that I can do well, and even if I don't, I can go to sleep knowing that I did my best and that tomorrow I can try again. Without that hope the next day would be such a struggle to start and even worse to end. The days would drag by and faith would start to look like a joke. Thankfully, I can show gratitude for the hope and faith God has given me and look at the next day as a gift and a blessing. Finally, I would like to thank God for allowing me to realize how truly lucky I am. By, Josh

We miss you Josh.