Legacy

Today I attended the funeral of a friend's sister. I had never met the sister but went to support my friend and her family. At the beginning of the funeral procession as I heard the first strains of the hymn "I Will Raise You Up", tears began streaming down my face, my nose was running, I was a mess. That particular hymn had also been played at our nephew, Josh's funeral and I realized that this was the first funeral that I had attended since Josh's death in March 2006. The flood of emotions are still close to the surface. M. had recently compiled a beautiful photo library to incorporate into a digital photo frame which was to be a family gift for his Dad(Josh's paternal grandfather) Of course a lot of the photos included Josh and as soon as I saw them the memories of happy times and the overwhelming feeling of loss had me sobbing.


The eulogies at today's funeral were all wonderful. However, the one that had me sobbing was one given by the daughter of the deceased woman. She was in her early 20's and gave a moving, beautiful and touching tribute to her mother. I had composed myself by this point, but as soon as she brought out the Robert Munsch book, "I Love You Forever" and began reading I was a sobbing basket case again. I thought how unfair it was for this young woman to lose such a wonderful mother but also what a fantastic job this woman had done to produce such an eloquent, composed and loving daughter.


I thought of my own children and the legacy I want to leave to them. How will they remember me? Will they remember the times when I was tired and cranky and I snapped at them? Will they remember the times I would nag them to pick up after themselves. Will they remember the times I was too tired to play with them. I want them to remember the good times. Our bed time rituals, with my daughter when I snuggle with her and she talks about her day, and with my son, when I rub his back and sit with him. Will they remember the tickle fights, the card games, the board games the trips to the park and the playground? I want to create wonderful memories, not from exotic or expensive trips but from the everyday rituals and routines which help shape them to become the responsible, loving, caring and intelligent adults I want them to become.


I love my children so much. I remember when my daughter was born, the feelings of love and tenderness were so overwhelming at times. I guess most first time parents are surprised at how intense your emotions can be. I had been a little worried when I was expecting our second child,"would I feel the same emotions" and without a doubt the feelings of love and tenderness, they were just as intense and overwhelming as the first time.

Being a parent is so hard sometimes, at times I feel so insecure and consumed with self doubt. Am I making the right decisions, how will it affect them in the future? That's why I love the blogging community, I know I'm not alone. I know that most of us are all feeling the same thing and we are all struggling and searching for the right answers. I think what I've come to realize is that there are a lot of right answers, because as we all know, our children are all unique and their personalities and temperaments are so diverse, something that works for one child won't always work for another. We have to keep trying and yes, I make mistakes, I am not perfect, I would never pretend to be perfect. I have a quick temper which I try to keep in check, I count to 10, I take deep breaths...it's getting better and I'm learning to stay calm and cool.

I want my legacy to be that I left the world a better place and that I was kind and helpful to the people around me. My greatest legacy is my children, I want them to make a difference in the world, to be strong, independent, responsible, generous and loving adults. I really want to know, what do you want your legacy to be?